To begin, I feel I would not classify myself as a ‘music snob’. Granted, there are genres and styles that don’t resonate with me personally, but I spent more than a decidedly painful few hours listening to the musical stylings of the 1975 (and what I could find of their previous incarnations- Talkhouse, The Slow-down, Bigsleep, and Drive like I do), so as a method of justifying the acrimonious hatred I intend to spit on them.

The 1975 are symbolic of the cynical commodification and sterilisation of ‘Indie music’ that huge record labels have been oh so successful in doing. Although not the lone pariahs of this (bands such as The Neighbourhood and Bastille would also fall into my categorisation of ‘shitty, boring music in a can’ they create music made to be sold rather than music to be listened to (although as their enormous fanbases, huge festival slots, and album sales suggest, people are listening to them.)

To describe The 1975 as ‘One Direction in leather jackets’ would be lazy, as Matt Healy and co. are certainly more talented than that bunch of soulless wankers, in that at least they write their own music, and seemed to have to at least put in a bit of work, rather than just giving Simon Cowell multiple handjobs in exchange for instant success.
My first gripe with The 1975 is, obviously, with their music.  “I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it” their most recent studio album, debuted at number one in the UK album charts. Apart from having objectively the most awful album name of the last millennia, the majority of songs on the record are boring 80’s influenced repetitive synths, overproduced to the point where most tracks figuratively sound like a computer taking an actual shit. So why are they so popular?

Whilst Healy’s voice is in itself the same pitch as a screaming child on most of the tracks, it is so lost behind the soulless digital maximalism that it becomes secondary, and any potential for genuine lyricism is also thrown away. However, this is dealing with merely the bland electro robotics of their most recent album.
Their prior eponymous album, containing hits with such fantastically exciting names as “Sex”, and “Chocolate”- the former of which is on the hitherto unwritten about subject of intercourse, and the latter of which-SHOCK HORROR- might be about drugs.

Come on guys. Sex is a topic more complex than the lyrics “But if we’re gonna do anything we might as well just fuck/She’s got a boyfriend anyway”, and anyone who’s seen Peter Doherty’s bloated figure scrabbling around onstage on a pathetic arena tour knows that drugs have the possibility to destroy your life. This is not a ‘don’t do drugs kids’ speech, everyone’s had trouble with ‘em at some point- just why make it so glaringly obvious that you take them, unless you feel so uninteresting you have to project a problem with narcotics onto the world to give yourself some sort of sociopathic, drug addicted sense of personality.

Musicians (and a large number of ordinary people around the world), have both enjoyed and struggled with the effects of narcotics since before any of you were born. Did Keith Richards ever have to film himself shooting up for a Stones video? The 1975’s drug use, in video’s such a ‘Robbers’ and ‘Girls’ feels exhibitionist, disingenuous, and a lame attempt to make themselves different- the ‘bad boys’ of the widely palatable ‘indie’ scene.

So fuck you, Matt Healy, and your session musician-esque band, for being so unoriginal musically. Fuck you for consistently trying to openly distance yourself from the ‘rebel’, ‘indie’ labels attributed to you by the fucking NME and Radio One, yet having ‘edgy’ tattoos and dressing like a rockstar- this is just you cashing in on the way the image attracts fans. Furthermore, fuck your pretentious monochromatic colour scheme, which has, like everything else your band has put out, been done before.

Fuck you and your management for the unsubtlety with which you promote and glamorise drug use -regardless of your own personal struggles with substance abuse, both in your videos and your lyrics. Your label and management has clearly decided your target market is teenage girls either too old or too ‘alternative’ for whatever other loathsome boyband is currently en vogue, so nice one for making it so clear to them that their idol is so dependent on narcotics. (I felt like a concerned middle aged woman as I wrote that, which was bizarre, so fuck you for that as well)

Fuck you for making me listen to hours upon hours of your music just so I could write 700 words about why I think you are awful. Fuck you for the inevitable stabbing I will receive from one of your rabid fans for writing this article. Fuck you for making me use the word ‘indie’ so much. But most of all, fuck you for not just being who you should be: a perfectly adequate and forgettable pop band, with the odd catchy melody and a good looking lead singer with a shit haircut.

Words: Dan Pare